


No Matter How Many Scars

by Sasa_Q



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Learning to accept your scars, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:23:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29816652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasa_Q/pseuds/Sasa_Q
Summary: Garak wants to be intimate with Julian, but he's afraid of what Julian will think of the scars on his body.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 8
Kudos: 62





	No Matter How Many Scars

Garak knew Julian was patient. And he loved him for it.

Julian had never seen Garak's body. At least, he hadn't seen any of his skin except for his hands, his face, and a rather conservative amount of shoulder and neck. They had been doing what Julian called "dating" for over a month now and Julian had seen no more of Garak than he had on the day when they first met.

Garak knew Julian wanted to see more. Garak gathered that a lot of human romance was about sex. He was fine with that. Or, he would be, if having sex didn't mean taking off his clothes.

So Julian had been patient. Garak had never heard a word out of him about wanting to see his body, not even gently rolling up his sleeves, not even moving aside the collar of his tunic to reveal a scale to be bitten tenderly. Garak knew he didn't deserve such patience. Dear Julian was a man who couldn't possibly imagine the kinds of things Garak had done. Garak knew he didn't deserve Julian's kind eyes and the softness of his hands. He didn't deserve the sweetness in the way Julian gazed at him, like he was the only important thing in the galaxy. Because he _didn't_ deserve it. He didn't. And he knew it.

Garak tried to pretend things were easy for him, and that it was easy for him to pretend. He tried to act like he wasn't a man of broken promises and taped-up wounds.

But the thing was, he wanted Julian. He wanted him very badly, not just in the pure, innocent, romantic sense either. He wanted to be with Julian in that special way that two people could be with each other. He wanted their bodies and their souls to touch. And he knew that, to do that, he would have to remove his clothing.

So he sat across the table from Julian one night as Julian talked about his latest research project with lit-up eyes and excited hands. And he loved the happiness in Julian, and mourned the fact that, by exposing his body, he could very well ruin it.

They left the replimat that night, Julian still excitedly talking about his work, Garak nodding and interjecting when appropriate. He loved listening to Julian's voice, the pitch and tone of it, his endearing accent.

Garak decided to reach out. "Would you like to come back to my quarters, doctor?" he asked.

"I would love to," said Julian. Satisfied with Julian's readiness, Garak and Julian walked to the turbolift and were on their way to Garak's quarters in the habitat ring when Julian said, "Garak?"

"Yes, doctor?" Garak asked.

"You've been a little quiet tonight," Julian said. "I wanted to ask... are you doing alright?"

Garak ached. He ached to tell Julian, _No, I'm not doing alright. I want to show myself to you and I'm not sure you'll like what you'll see. I'm scared you won't want to be close to me again if you see my body. And it hurts. It hurts so much._

Garak smiled. "I'm fine," he said as the turbolift stopped. "Thank you for asking."

"As long as you're sure," Julian said.

They reached Garak's quarters, and Garak waved Julian inside welcomingly. The door slid shut behind them.

"How's your knitting going?" Julian asked.

"Very well," Garak said. He had been knitting himself a sweater. The pattern for the sweater had been one Julian gifted him for their one-month anniversary. Garak had felt bad for not getting anything for Julian for their anniversary, and the guilt of it still gnawed at him. "But I wasn't planning on doing any knitting tonight." He swallowed. "If it's all right with you... I'd like to try something. With you. To... go further than kissing, as it were."

"Oh!" said Julian, looking surprised. "Are you sure? I know Cardassians are very sensitive about this sort of thing."

It was time to tell the truth. Or... "a" truth. "I'm afraid I haven't been very honest with you, doctor," Garak said carefully. "You see, Cardassians really have no problem with sexual intimacy. It's... just me."

"Oh," said Julian. "But why did you have to lie about it? I don't mind if it's just you."

"Thank you," said Garak, "but I... didn't want to tell you because I..." His voice trailed off. He cleared his throat. "I have my reasons."

"I'm sure you do," said Julian. "And I respect those reasons."

"But I want to do this," said Garak hurriedly. "I just want you to know that there's... something you need to know before we're intimate."

Julian looked a tiny bit more on edge, but he said, "Yes?"

Garak didn't answer for a moment. "I'm afraid my body isn't exactly very desirable."

"Why not?" Julian asked patiently.

Garak rubbed his hands together. "Because I... I have several scars. Many scars." He didn't want to stop talking. He needed to get it out. "Lots of scars, really. All over my body. And I know they don't exactly make me very appealing to look at. To be honest, they make me... very insecure."

"If you're worried I won't like the way you look because of your scars, don't worry," Julian said softly. "We all have scars, some more visible than others. Just because yours are very visible doesn't mean you're any less attractive."

"Thank you," said Garak, looking down. He looked back up after a moment. "So, could we...?"

"As long as you're sure," said Julian. Garak nodded. "How do you want to do this?"

They ended up on Garak's bed, Garak lying on his back, Julian straddling him, their lips pressed together. Garak loved the feeling of Julian's lips on his, tongues gently exploring each other's mouths. He felt a pleasant warmth in his belly as Julian kissed him.

Julian broke away from the kiss eventually. "Could I take off your tunic?" Julian asked.

"Yes," Garak said tentatively.

"Are you sure?" Julian asked.

"Very sure," Garak said. "Please."

So Julian pulled Garak's tunic over his head, revealing his light gray chest and arms. Revealing the scars all over them, some deeper than others, some more deliberately made than others. Scars. So many of them...

Julian paused when the tunic came completely off, Garak half-naked in front of him. Garak knew he had to say something. "I'm sorry," he blurted out. "I know it's... a lot to look at."

"Garak..." Julian's voice trailed off. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yes," said Garak.

"You don't need to tell me the details about all of this," said Julian quietly, "but... how did you get these scars?"

Garak swallowed hard. "In my line of work..."

"The Obsidian Order," Julian supplied.

"Yes," Garak said. "In my line of work, I came into many situations that might cause bodily harm. And I've been injured many times, some more serious than others."

"I see," said Julian. He paused. "Garak, if you don't mind me saying... some of these scars... well, they look... deliberately made."

Garak looked away for a moment before meeting Julian's eyes again. "Not all of my scars are because of my time in the Order," he said softly. "Some of them are... scars I've made myself."

Julian nodded. "I can see why it would be very difficult to show me this."

"Mm-hm." Garak wasn't sure he could trust his voice to say actual words for a moment.

"Can I ask... why you never used a dermal regenerator?" Julian asked.

"Because I wanted to remember," Garak said. "I wanted to remember every scar I've ever gotten. I wanted to remember all the times I'd been hurt, all the times I'd hurt myself. Because those moments are what made me who I am today. And I can't forget."

"I understand," said Julian. He clasped one of Garak's hands. "You're shaking."

Garak had been shaking for a while now. "Yes," he said. "I confess to being a bit... nervous. I was afraid. Afraid of what you would say about my scars."

"Well, I hope I haven't given you any further cause to worry," Julian said. Garak didn't say anything. "I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I want to tell you that... you're so beautiful to me, Garak. You would be beautiful to me no matter how many scars you had. And I think you're a very strong person, for surviving all of these scars." Garak started to say something. "And I mean both the ones given to you against your will and the ones you made yourself. I think you're a very strong person for being courageous enough to show me this vulnerable part of yourself."

"I don't feel very strong, Julian."

"It's okay," Julian said. He squeezed Garak's hand. "You might not now, but I hope someday you realize just how strong you are." He paused. "Do you want to keep going?"

Garak shook his head, his eyes welling up. "No," he whispered. "I don't think I can."

"Okay," said Julian. He got off of Garak and sat next to him, wrapping an arm around him. "Is it all right if I sit with you for a while?"

"Please," Garak said. Because he had never needed Julian more than in that moment.

The two of them sat there for a long time. Garak felt tears leave his eyes, but Julian never remarked on them, just stroked his shoulder and shared his warmth. And, in a way, Garak felt far closer to Julian in that moment than if they had slept together.

**Author's Note:**

> I figure that I can't be the only one who needs to hear that you're still beautiful with your scars, so I wrote this.  
> Comments are appreciated!


End file.
